Yeah, I should be reading that book but I'm writing instead. Meh. I'll get to it.

What you got so right in this fic is that he and Lily sound like teenagers in the bit of dialogue you gave them. Sirius is debonair at sixteen but not as poetically expressive as some writers make him out to be. I wouldn't object to you writing Sirius, or Lily, more often. Gives me a chance to trot out Ben!Sirius.